Half Way There

Her eyes were open, sitting in a chair.

I cracked the door and walked in, wanting to be there, but also wanting to run. Half of me wanted to look, to help her and the other half couldn’t bare it. I walked forward, one foot in front of the other. My shoes squeaked on the plastic wood beneath me, my heart raced.

She turned her head looked at me and said hi. Her blue eyes were gray, flat, void.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Her soul was completely out of reach. I looked harder, deeper, looking for her, our bond, our jokes, the mom That loves me. her eyes looked through me. I couldn’t find her, no matter how hard I looked. I saw gray.

I felt tears burning my eyes, my mouth filled with the taste of rubbing alcohol. The void suffocated me, I smiled and kissed her.

I sat on the bed near her.

My dad barked orders and she looked at him, blankly and said ok.

I looked over and said mom, he is so bossy isn’t he? Is he the boss of you?

“No” empty but firm

Are you the boss mom?

“No”

No? Who’s the boss?

Her dead eyes shot quickly to the ceiling and said, “they are”.

Who are they?

The ghosts

The blood left my face, my body ran cold, the room rocked from side to side, I couldn’t feel my arms. I wanted to speak but nothing would come out. My fingers grabbed the bed to Steady myself.

My eyes raced to aunt Joyce’s. Maybe I heard her wrong. I needed to be wrong. Our eyes locked and a million words were exchanged between us. Words I didn’t want to hear, but she heard it too.

She asked who are they? My mom Said I don’t know them.

I tried to breathe, memories of the spirits coming to get my deceased grandparents over took me. Gran kept wanting to go fishing with the man in the yellow rain coat. I remember us telling him it was ok to go.

I pushed the memories away and talked to her.

Mom do you like this picture?

Yes, I really do. Flat line. Dead eyes.

Conversations came and went.

She suddenly turned her head towards me, locked eyes with me, all the while looking through me and said, “well I’m half way there”.

I felt the adrenaline rush; my whole body was numb. “Where? “I managed to ask.

Where I’m going.

Where are you going?

I’m not sure. Blank eyes shot to the ceiling and back around the room.

With my Heart breaking, I grabbed her hand and said are you coming with me and dad?

I don’t know. Should I?

Yes mom. We need you. Please come with us.

You need me? Why?

We love you and don’t want to live without you. My fingers pressed harder into her skin. Trying to pull her back to me.

We need her right dad?

Yes, we need you. We love you.

She turned to me, oh ok. She shrugged her shoulders confused, not sure which path to float down.

Tears ran down my face.

Blinking blankly, confused, are you crying?

Yes mom, I am.

why? Perplexed she asked, without her nurturing nature. She didn’t want to fix it, she didn’t understand it.

Oh, I just don’t like us to be in the hospital.

You don’t? How come?

With the room spinning I knew it was me or the ghosts. I begged pleaded and cursed those fucking ghosts. My eyes burned through the ceiling. I couldn’t see them, but I hated them. I want a chance at this fight first. It’s not your turn. It’s my turn.

I asked her if she wanted to be in her house with dad and the animals

She said “yes, I really do”

I said ok then you have to come with us. Ok mom?

Ok

I was pulling her back as hard as I could, and it felt like convincing a child. All The while not knowing if they would chase a butterfly down the other path.