The elevator groaned as it climbed the central tower to the 8th floor. Beep, beep, ding. The doors opened and the word oncology stared back at me. I stepped out and went to see who I would find today in 873.
The exasperated nurse grabbed me and said she was with my mom no less than 6 hours last night. The love affair with the toilet continued.
I walked in, resigned that I wouldn’t find the woman I was looking for.
My dad slept soundly on the couch, “Hi Mom,” I whispered, and she said, “let’s go somewhere else so we don’t wake up dad”. I felt a small spark of joy, maybe she was back. I told her we needed to stay in the room but assured her we would definitely remain quiet.
Excitedly, with bright eyes she said, “I have 4 tokens left to cash in and cure the cancer.” My heart dropped again, I smiled and said, “That’s so great. I’m really glad you have those.”
Trying to reason with her last night about her toilet didn’t work. Today I knew, to stay sane, I needed to join her on the crazy train. I took my seat on the train and we left the station.
“How are the plans for us to go to Ken’s ranch this Saturday going?”
“Oh, just great! Everything is falling into place. “I said
“Good! I need you to pack up all your leftovers and bring them. Everyone can eat those, and I’ll eat oatmeal. And I want all of us to share the cost of the food. Did you get the bus?”
“Yes, mom I found a giant bus to take us all down there. There is even room for your toilet!”
“Great,” she squealed.
“Oh, there is one more thing I need to tell you. I have a way for Dash to make 1 million dollars a year,” she nodded enthusiastically, needing to share this idea.
“Dash needs to raise black bearded lizards. He will make so much money he can go to college anywhere he wants,” she nodded, thrilled for him.
“Why would anyone want USED lizards when you could grow your own? You know? And by raising these horny beasts, he can have more money that he knows what to do with.”
“I think that’s great and he would be really really good at it.” We raced down the tracks on our crazy train.
“You now, I think Ken should invest in these too.” Her mind was working hard, thinking of how these black bearded lizards could provide financial stability to her closest friends and family.
“You know, the only thing we have to think about with Ken is when the lizards can leave their mothers.”
“Why don’t I call the wildlife office and get the details?”
“Oh yes great”
She sat deep in thought and I wondered where we would go next.
I sat patiently, studying her, wondering what her mind was going through. As I watched her eyes busy in thought I realized I never understood what it’s like for families dealing with dementia.
Suddenly she snapped out of her thoughts and told me she had something for me, something I needed to use on my people. Hysterical laughter followed.
“There is a man who was the Disgrace of the olden days…..John la Fete he was a warrior…. she roared with laughter.
The train sped up. I smiled and tightened my seatbelt.
“They put rabbits on the ground….” hysterical laughers roared from her.
It made me laugh too and urged her to go on and tell me what happened to John La Fete and his rabbits.
“Oh, The rabbit started scratching John La Fetes legs and he ran out of town” she was laughing so hard she could hardly breathe.
“The man was the laughing stock for being chased by rabbits” she roared.
I took a page from her book and said, “Oh, thank you for telling me that! I really will use that a lot.”
Dr. Challa walked in the room, her dark eyes filled with worry. She hugged me and continued to my mom’s beside.
Mom chirped, “Oh, I have a tip for you Dr. Challa! This hospital has the best butt care I’ve ever seen! If I had known about this 20 years ago I never have had a bladder infection! Now, the tip for your private parts is…”
Dr. Challa cut her off, “no Lisa it’s not the time for this now! Your brain was injured by the chemo therapy and you have to rest. Please don’t think, only rest.” She began examining her.
“I see you are losing a lot of muscle. I need you eating and resting.” She drilled her and us about nutrition.
Mom’s eyes whirled with ideas while she nodded enthusiastically at Dr. Challa. “Yes, I’ll do it,“ she promised.
“But there is something you need to know. This potty chair is wonderful, oh, I just can’t tell you, and when I’m done with it we are going to sanitize it and lend it out to lots of people.”
Dr. Challa pulled the emergency break on the train. “Lisa, I know you always want to help people dear, and we will get the potty chairs out to the needy. But you can’t think about this now. I need you to rest your mind.” Dr. Challa stroked her hair lovingly, giving her firm orders to calm down.
God, what does she see in that toilet? I want to throw that toilet out the 8th story window and watch it splinter on the ground below.
I followed Dr. Challa to the door and asked her if her mind would ever come back and she assured me it would. She said she has a chemo that will work for her and not hurt her as well.
I looked back in the room filled with rabbits, bedside commodes and black bearded lizards and thought will this ever end? Does the train ever reach the sanity station? Reluctantly, I took my seat again on the crazy train and we were off!
Off the Rails with Kelly 